Dear Dr. Chloe, My Therapist Is Moving to a Different State, I Am Worried About Starting Fresh With a New One

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Dear Dr. Chloe,

I’m very distraught because my therapist recently told me she is moving to another state in a month, and that I will need to transfer to a new therapist if I want to continue therapy. She gave me a list of possible therapists to try, but I’m too upset to consider it–I want to continue therapy, but I don’t want to see someone new.

I have put incredible amounts of time and energy (as well as money!) into years of therapy with her, and the idea of starting over feels very upsetting. She knows everything about me—it would take years just to get a new therapist to understand me even close to the way she does.

Could you provide me with some guidance on how to move forward from my current therapist? Part of my issues actually include fears of abandonment, so this is really rough for me.

Thank you,

Cheryl

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Dear Cheryl,

Thank you for your heartfelt note. I’m so glad you reached out. When a therapist has to stop seeing a client before the work feels complete, it’s natural to feel upset—especially if you have fears of abandonment like you described. Your decisions to mention those fears in relation to your new situation and to reach out for support, both suggest healthy self-awareness.

Here is some guidance to help as you move forward:

1. You might want to ask your therapist if she can schedule a few extra sessions during the wrap-up month to provide more time for you to process the change and say goodbye. I encourage you to be open with her about all of your feelings regarding her departure. The more you can share, the more she can help.
2. Ask her for a written summary of your treatment. A “treatment summary” usually includes your initial reasons for seeking treatment, highlights the parts of your background that the therapist thinks are important for a new provider to consider, a few key points or techniques the therapist thinks have been important in your progress, and a couple of ideas regarding what the therapist thinks you should work on moving forward. A written summary is helpful because you can show it to future therapists without relying on your current therapist to personally explain your history to whatever new therapists you might interview as you move forward.
3. I encourage you to visit more than one of the therapists on the list your current therapist provided, and reach out to your network or ask her for more if none of the therapists on her list seem like a good fit. Especially when you’re reeling from the disorienting experience of what psychologists call a “premature termination.” It is good to affirm to yourself that you have options and to ensure you’re making an informed decision. In searching for a new therapist, try to keep an open mind, there is always a chance that meeting someone with a fresh perspective might open new doors for you. You might also want to see them during your wrap-up month so that you can discuss them with your current therapist.

Cheryl, though it may be hard to see this right now, there can be benefits to switching therapists. Telling your story to a new therapist can be an opportunity to experience how far you’ve come. For example, when you initially told your current therapist about a potentially painful early abandonment, you were doing it without the reserves of strength and skill that you now have thanks to years of therapy—retelling your story now may bring a positive awareness that you have achieved a new level of assertiveness and perspective borne of your therapeutic work.

Saying goodbye to your current therapist may also present an opportunity to experience a departure that is being handled in an appropriate and supportive manner—one where you get to experience a contrast from previous experiences of unhealthy abandonment.

Finally, remember that your bond with your current therapist is proof that despite your past feelings of abandonment you have succeeded in forming a strong bond. If you did it with her, you can do it again—which may enable you to build new faith in yourself.

Think back to when your current therapist was a stranger, and give yourself a pat on the back for working into the intimacy you now have with her—draw on that strength to confirm that you can certainly do it again from your vantage point of bolstered skills and awareness.

Thank you again for writing, Cheryl. I’m rooting for you!

Warmly,

Dr. Chloe

Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a clinical psychologist and USA Today bestselling author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety and Dr. Chloe’s Ten Commandments of Dating. Send any questions where you'd like a psychologist’s perspective to [e-mail]. Responses are not guaranteed and do not constitute medical advice.