How to Stand Up When Life Knocks You Flat

Personal disasters strike unexpectedly, but simple steps can help you recover and rebuild.
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When I opened my computer this past week, I was greeted with news that felt like a punch straight to my gut. Instantly, I could feel my brain grow foggy and my heart start pounding in my chest.

A goal I had been working toward for years had been suddenly yanked away. It had been nearly complete—the finish line in sight—and then, unexpectedly, I was back at square one.

For the next 24 hours, I wallowed in self-pity. I complained to my wife, stared at the wall, and scrolled my phone like a zombie.

That was me getting knocked flat by life.

What Not to Do

Maybe life has dealt you a blow or two as well. Whether it was something you did or something that just happened, it hurts just the same. There’s a temptation to play the victim in these situations, to feel sorry for yourself and wait passively for someone to fix it for you.

Maybe you feel like giving up. You can’t deal with this new set of facts, so you don’t. You start acting self-destructively—with your health, your relationships, and your future.

These coping behaviors often feel good in the moment. They provide a release of negative energy—but you can’t stay there. We all know we can’t stay there.

What You Can Do

Here are a few things that worked for me as I pulled myself back to my feet. I offer these tips for anyone dealing with their own setbacks.

1. Take Time to React

I’ve seen otherwise thoughtful people try to deny their emotions, as if feeling bad is beneath them. But there’s something beautifully human and likely healing about allowing yourself to feel things deeply.
Like anything, you can take this too far, so try giving yourself an allotted time. Tell yourself that you can feel defeated until dinnertime, but no later. Don’t say you’ll do something tomorrow—that’s always the default for procrastinators. Choose a specific time, maybe even one that’s strangely specific—such as 10:10 p.m.—and stick with it.

2. Process With Someone

When it comes to thinking through an emotional situation, two heads are better than one—like 100 times better. When I’m anxious about something, I do far more ruminating than actual thinking.
I also tend to exaggerate, catastrophize, and throw the baby out with the bathwater—all things that a good friend can help me see. Having someone on your side of the ring when life gets hard is essential.

3. Take an Outside View

One of the darkest places you can go when you’re down is into anger and bitterness. Avoid blaming the world, God, yourself, or anyone else for what happened. It’s better to accept that these things happen in life and invest your energy into looking toward the future.
Taking an outsider’s view helps. Few people can think rationally about their own problems, especially in the heat of emotion. That’s one of the reasons to find someone to process with. But another practice I frequently turn to is imagining my situation as having happened to a friend. How would I feel? What advice would I offer? Sometimes that little bit of emotional distancing is all I need to think about the situation more clearly.

4. Reframe the Situation

We go through life with a narrative about all the events we experience. You can, for example, see the world as “out to get you” and bemoan your unfair treatment when something bad happens. Or, you can take that same setback and imagine it setting you up for a great comeback. The choice is of your own making.

5. Take Care of Your Body

Stomach bugs can hit you hard and fast. Often, you’re better within 12 or 24 hours, but continue to feel weak and tired for days. That is largely because we get dehydrated, don’t eat, avoid sunlight, or don’t move our bodies—all things that are difficult while we’re ill.

Recovering from a setback in life is similar in that we often allow the occasion to disrupt our healthy routines. This can mean not feeling like yourself for weeks on end, especially if stress and worry disrupt your sleep.

You may not feel like caring for yourself when you’re upset, so find a way to make it as therapeutic and enjoyable as possible. Go for a walk instead of a run. Hit the sauna instead of the weights. Sit in the sun, read a favorite book in bed, and eat real food you enjoy.

6. Build Back Slowly

Take baby steps in the new direction you want to take. You may not have a plan or you may still be trying to figure out what went wrong, but almost always, there are some obvious steps you can take. In light of your immense setback, they may feel futile and pathetic at first, but you must trust the process and push aside feelings of self-doubt.

Every small bit of progress will change your mood and slowly build back your motivation. You just have to take the first steps.

Mike Donghia
Author
Mike Donghia and his wife, Mollie, blog at This Evergreen Home where they share their experience with living simply, intentionally, and relationally in this modern world. You can follow along by subscribing to their twice-weekly newsletter.
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