How Eye Contact Deepens Human Connection

Our eyes have receptors for oxytocin and phenylethylamine, both considered love chemicals associated with bonding.

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Picture a mother nursing her newborn. Although his vision is blurry, scientists believe an infant has a dedicated neural network to perceive his mother’s eyes eight to 12 inches away. Intriguingly, this is the same distance from the mother’s eyes to her breast. This remarkable design allows the mother to connect with her newborn instinctively through their shared gaze.

“Eye contact is so vital to well-being,” wrote Dr. Martha Welch, founding director emeritus of the Nurture Science Program at Columbia University. “We’re programmed to do it from birth.”

Like many pediatric psychiatrists, Dr. Welch believes that the “intimate language of eye contact” between a mother and her newborn is a foundational stage of communication that should be encouraged. It sets us up for building strong relationships throughout our lives.

But screens are disrupting this visual bond. One study showed that about 30 percent of mothers bottle-feeding their infants were distracted by some form of technology. In another study, some 10 percent of mothers breastfeeding their babies reported using smartphones or tablets.

With fewer opportunities to practice eye contact, more children in the United States are growing up eye-shy. Nearly 10 percent of youth between ages 13 and 18 experience social anxiety, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. For these children, eye contact is stressful and uncomfortable—to the point where researchers can observe significant changes in brain activity.

But what makes eye contact so powerful? How can someone overcome eye-shyness at any age and tap into the benefits of eye contact? Let’s examine these questions and how to establish and maintain eye contact in our relationships and interactions.

Peek-a-Boo: Why Eye Contact Is Important

Beginning in infancy, mutual eye gazing is a source of joy for doting parents and one of the first milestones babies achieve.

Remarkably, infants can take an interest in their mothers’ faces within a few hours of their first breath. Newborns as young as 2 to 5 days old prefer staring at a reciprocal gaze compared to faces looking away.

“When a mother disengages from her phone and sustains eye contact,” according to Dr. Welch, “the baby makes more effort to communicate.”

Notably, our eyes have receptors for oxytocin and phenylethylamine, both considered love chemicals associated with bonding.

Family bonds also deepen during peek-a-boo: With hands over their eyes, mothers worldwide share in the fun of this culturally universal game. Initially, the game is met with a baby’s startled look of shock. For a young baby, not seeing his mother’s face means she has disappeared.

However, at around 6 to 8 months, babies realize that their mother is just hiding, and peek-a-boo becomes exciting. By around 9 to 11 months, babies develop the ability to follow the eye gaze of others and begin to look at what others see.

These progressions in eye gazing also signal that brain growth and the ability to communicate are on track. Pediatric specialists routinely check for eye contact milestones. If a benchmark is missed, many causes are considered, including parental distance, lack of eye contact, or excessive exposure to digital media.

Although all of this happens early on, the eye gaze continues to be an essential part of relationships throughout life.

Seeing Eye-to-Eye: How the Brain Responds

When it comes to body language, the eyes are typically the first thing we notice when meeting others.

Studies have shown that when people use direct eye contact when interacting with a real-life partner, their brains exhibit heightened neural activity. The same neural events were missing when a person looked at a digital photograph on a monitor. Scientists believe this partly arises from a neural network in the brain dedicated to processing the eye’s nonverbal cues and the messages they convey. Eye contact also primes the brain for trust and helps us feel empathy when talking with someone.

This was demonstrated in a 2019 neuroimaging study in which a team of Japanese scientists observed what happens in the brain in real time when two adults look at each other. Published in eNeuro, the study suggests that eye contact prepares the brain to empathize by simultaneously activating the same areas of each person’s brain.

Specifically, eye contact was shown to trigger the limbic mirror system, a set of brain areas that are active both when the eyes or any part of the body move and when we observe someone else doing the same.

In other words, during a conversation, eye contact lights up the same regions in the brain for both people, implying that the individuals are attuned to one another. This “limbic synchronization” shows that empathy can be born from a social or mutual gaze.

It also gives insight into eye contact’s role in understanding emotional tone, drawing conclusions, and—as eyes are said to be the windows to our souls—knowing another person deeply and, conversely, feeling understood.

Winning Over Friends or Detecting Foes

Taking the social gaze to the realm of persuasion, researchers from Northeastern University in Boston say that eye contact shapes our impressions of others. According to their study, we perceive those who make more eye contact to be more intelligent, sincere, and conscientious.

Of course, holding eye contact for too long—more than eight seconds—can make people feel uneasy, according to research published in Royal Society Open Science. A parent, sibling, or even a stranger, for example, may use a strong gaze to signal that they are displeased or even angry.

The ability to discern meaning in such a tense situation—distinguishing between friend and foe—depends on how brain neurons are triggered in the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex.

The amygdala is a core emotional part of the brain that responds instinctively to threats, while the prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to develop fully. It controls executive functions, such as decision-making and impulse control.

All in all, understanding someone’s intent depends on multiple factors, such as other body language cues, cultural background, and context. Still, eye contact deepens our ability to connect and engage emotionally with others.

However, making eye contact isn’t comfortable for everyone.

Putting Down Screens to Restore Human Connection

We live in a world where parents can celebrate milestones with digital hearts, and kids can reassure each other with thumbs-up emojis. Digital communication is how many people live and work, and it’s a great way to keep up with the latest updates in our friends’ lives.

According to research from the Nielsen Company, the average American spends 11 hours a day listening to, watching, reading, or interacting with media.

“Our children are less likely to be willing to sit at a dinner table and talk to us,” Sherry Turkle, who has a doctorate in sociology and personality psychology and is the founding director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, said in an interview hosted by the American Psychological Association.

“It’s as though we refused to see the evidence before our eyes and in our hearts of how technology has eroded empathy.”

As for what could be a panacea to this epidemic of disconnection, Dr. Welch offers a simple solution.

“If making eye contact feels difficult,“ Dr. Welch said, ”it’s a sign we need to connect.”

Eye Contact Requires Practice

Much like how it’s difficult to rewire our brains from old habits, eye contact may feel unnatural or make one nervous without practice. A reassuring gaze could inadvertently trigger stress for these people, Rachel Duval, a public speaking and communication skills coach, told The Epoch Times.

Ms. Duval, who is based in New York City and whose clients include executives from Netflix and Google, said to remember that some people are predisposed to being hypersensitive to it.

She pointed to research that showed that the brains of autistic people, for example, experienced more activity in the amygdala from expressions on people’s faces. This means they may avoid eye contact because it can be overly stimulating.

Other reasons some people avoid eye contact may be that they feel scrutinized or stressed when they are the center of attention. Still, making eye contact is a skill that gets better with practice for most people.

If you’re eye-shy, begin practicing with someone with whom you are close, such as a family member or friend. Then, work your way up to more high-stakes situations, such as moments of eye contact when speaking with a colleague. Similarly, parents can encourage these habits at home, much like teaching children to use polite words such as “please” and “thank you.”

5 Expert Tips for Practicing Eye Contact at Any Age

Here are some easy tips to practice:

• Establish eye contact in the beginning: Before talking to someone, make eye contact long enough to register the color of the other person’s eyes.
• Maintain eye contact for three to five seconds: Once you’ve established eye contact, hold it for about three to five seconds at a time. When breaking eye contact, glance to the side before reestablishing it.
• Look away when you need to: When speaking to someone, it’s natural to look away from the other person frequently, especially as you gather your thoughts or tap into your feelings.
• Look away slowly: When you look away, do it slowly. Darting your eyes away can make you appear nervous. Also, looking downward communicates low confidence.
• Listen with your eyes: When listening to someone speaking to you, it’s important to keep eye contact with them. Nod or use other expressions to let them know you’re interested in the conversation.

Remember, “If you’re eye-shy, you’re often smile-shy,” Ms. Duval said. “I tell people, try smiling, because it’s going to put the other person at ease, and that will put you at ease as well.”