We’re Mostly Trying to Escape This Moment

Enduring the discomfort of daily life takes some practice—but it's worth it

Andrii Zastrozhnov/Shutterstock

Much of our days, we’re trying to escape. In fact, you might call this our primary occupation.

Most people will outright reject that idea, but I know this to be true of myself, and it’s been true for so many people I’ve worked with and known.

Consider how most of us spend our days:

• Doing busywork, messages, emails, and small tasks
• Putting off larger tasks, avoiding the scary stuff
• Scrolling social media, news, and favorite distraction websites
• Watching videos on YouTube, Netflix, etc.
• Playing games
• Eating comfort foods (often while watching a screen)
• Taking a drug of choice: alcohol, nicotine, cannabis, caffeine, etc.
• Listening to music while we do something else (such as working out, walking, driving, showering)

I have no judgment of any of these—they aren’t necessarily bad, and I do some of them too. But you might notice what they have in common: They all take us away from whatever is happening in the moment. That’s their primary purpose.

We escape in other ways too: complaining, gossiping, over-apologizing, people-pleasing, bragging, showing off, worrying, overthinking, catastrophizing, making ourselves the victim, ruminating about what happened or what we should have said. These are all ways to get ourselves out of the present moment.

The Cost and Opportunity

So what? Is there anything wrong with this? Of course not—as I said, it’s eminently human, though some methods may harm us in ways others do not.

However, when we try to escape the moment, we are limiting ourselves. We don’t develop the forbearance to stay in an uncomfortable moment, such as when we are trying to learn something difficult or are dealing with an unpredictable or trying situation.

We also miss the beauty right in front of us, all the wonderful opportunities and experiences happening right now. We can even lose our connection with others.

And this becomes trained—the more we seek to escape, the less capacity we have for facing uncomfortable things in the future. We diminish ourselves.

So the opportunity, then, is to practice not escaping. When we feel uncomfortable, we stay for a little longer. Not to the point of torture, but to the point that’s just beyond our comfort zone. We grow our capacity to be with all of life.

And then we miss out on less of life. This is the profound gift of forbearance.

How to Practice Not Escaping

So how do we practice? Some people like to do cold showers or hard workouts—and these are excellent. But we don’t have to seek out a new activity; we can just stop escaping from what’s already happening.

In my online coaching course, this is the main thing that people are practicing—they are working on changing their habits, finding purpose, and having a meaningful effect on the world. The path to that is to face discomfort without always having to escape.​​​

Some ways we can stop escaping:

• Stay off your phone for most of the day. This will be uncomfortable for many—that’s OK. Stay with the uncomfortable feeling. You will uncover what you’ve been trying to avoid.
• Spend time away from your computer. Not distracting yourself, but just sitting and thinking. Or walk around your house or office, just seeing what you can notice.
• Stay with a hard task or project for 10 minutes longer than you want to. Notice what comes up internally when you stay longer.
• Put off emails and messages until later in the day if you tend to check them first thing. Notice what comes up.
• Quit caffeine or alcohol (or whatever favorite substance you have) for a month. See what feelings surface, and let your treat be processing these feelings.
• Go food sober for a couple of weeks—that means no intoxicating food. See what thoughts or emotions come up.
• Advanced: Notice when you’re complaining, making yourself into a victim, taking your anger out on people, beating yourself up, being harsh, fantasizing, etc. See if you can notice the feeling underneath these mental escapes.

When we cut off our escapes, we start to notice the things we don’t want to be with. Emotions, feelings about ourselves, things we haven’t processed. It’s important to be gentle and loving with yourself as you do this.

Get support from others when you need it. And get help from a professional therapist if this feels at all dangerous—it shouldn’t get to the level of danger, just medium discomfort. If it’s too intense, stop and find someone to help you.

In the end, this isn’t about being tough or coercive with ourselves. It’s about finding a gentle way to practice opening up to more of life. Where could you start?