Mastering the Art of Letting Go

Putting down our ideas of how things should be—including ourselves—can free of us a certain kind of suffering

One of the keys to living a life of calm and purpose is letting go.

If you’d like a more peaceful life, it’s powerful to look at what disturbs that peace and practice letting go of whatever you’re holding onto that’s causing you anxiety and frustration.

If you’d like a life of purposeful focus, it’s powerful to examine what’s standing in the way of that ... and let go of whatever is blocking you.

Letting go can seem quite simple, but it isn’t necessarily easy. We have attachments that we cling to tightly, and we don’t want to let them go.

In this article, I’ll share the deeper part of the practice of letting go. Then, I’ll talk about how you might practice.

The Heart of Letting Go

Why do we cling to something that creates resistance in us to our purposeful action or disturbs our calm?

It’s usually because of some kind of idea, notion, or narrative we have in our minds. Let’s look at some examples:

• We often think it’s something outside of us—that person over there did something that upsets, frustrates, or annoys me. But the other person isn’t the real cause—they’re just doing something. The real cause is that we have the idea that they shouldn’t be the way they are.
• Sometimes we think we’re the problem—we shouldn’t be so lazy, or undisciplined, or something like that. We blame ourselves, feel bad about ourselves, and then try not to think about it. But what if the cause of our feeling bad is that we don’t accept ourselves as we are?
• We might think that the problem is with the task or activity—we’re resisting because we don’t like that task. But what if the cause of resistance is that we think the activity should feel some other way than it does?

You can see in these examples that I’m pointing to an idea that things should be different than they are. People will resist this because they want things to be different than they are. They want change. And that’s understandable, we want to change what we don’t like. But what if we accepted what things are and then created change from a different place—from wanting to create, play, or explore?

How to Let Go of Notions

All of this stems from having an idea of how things should be that’s different than how they are. There may be nothing wrong with this idea—but it’s just an idea. And to the extent that it’s causing difficulties, we can see how it would be helpful to let it go.

Imagine that you’re frustrated with yourself, someone else, or a situation you’re facing.  Imagine that this frustration or feeling stems from an idea that things should be different than they are.

Now imagine letting go of that idea. You’re just left with the experience of this moment, just as it is.

Notice how freeing that can be. It’s not about letting someone “off the hook” or letting go of accountability or commitment to change. It’s about freeing ourselves from the attachment to an idea that’s causing some kind of suffering (frustration, resistance, feeling bad).

We’re freeing ourselves by letting go of the idea we’re holding onto.

The key realization is that the idea is just an idea. It isn’t that it’s wrong or bad, but it’s a mental conception, rather than reality. We can use mental conceptions when they’re helpful, but let go of them if they aren’t.

Our idea of other people, of ourselves, of any situation is simply a notion. What if we freed ourselves by realizing that we’ve created this notion and we don’t need it right now?

It can simply evaporate if we let it. Our conception of how things should be can become cloud-like, with little influence on our movement through life.

Try it right now: Whatever you think you should be, whatever you think someone else is, is just a notion you’ve created. Can you let it go in this moment and see what you’re left with?

How to Practice

First, notice when there’s difficulty and feelings of frustration, resistance, self-blame, annoyance, or anxiety. Noticing these feelings is key to being able to play with them.

Second, without needing to judge how you’re feeling, could you simply be with it? For example, if you’re feeling frustration, could you just let yourself feel the frustration as a physical experience in your body (as opposed to getting caught up in the narrative of frustration)? Give yourself compassion if you can. But there’s nothing wrong with feeling what you’re feeling. Often it’s useful to simply let ourselves feel the emotion, rather than trying to fix it.

Third, if you’d like to free yourself, you can let go of the notion that’s causing the difficulty. It’s usually an idea of how you think things should be. What if you could just let it evaporate, and let yourself be free? Play around with it.

Fourth, you might just experience the moment free of the notion. Just pure experience. Is there something in this moment you can be curious about? Be grateful for? Can you feel the wonder of this moment?

Fifth, once you’re free, you can take action if any is needed. For example, you can take on the task that you’re resisting, once you’re free of the idea that the task should feel different. Or you can have a conversation with someone, once you’ve let go of your frustration with them. Being free doesn’t mean we don’t take action—we just do so from a different place.

Would you like to take on this freeing practice?