A Playbook for Dealing With Life’s Frustrating Moments

When you notice yourself getting frustrated, it’s a good time to reflect and observe what’s going on inside of you. Shutterstock

I was angry enough to rip the closet doors off the wall and smash them to pieces with a hammer.

Rewind about two hours: My wife kindly asked if I could fix the kids’ sliding closet doors, which had been falling off their tracks for several months. I had been strategically “prioritizing” other projects to avoid this one but was officially out of excuses.

After driving to the hardware store, losing a nut in the parking lot, and then fiddling with the closet doors for an hour, I had made essentially zero progress. In fact, I may have made things worse. I could feel frustration and tension building in my whole body with each failed attempt.

Afterward, as I ate my lunch, I continued to stew in my frustration and act like a grump toward my family.

Why did I let something so trivial in the grand scheme of my blessed life get me so upset?

Finding the Source of Frustration

When you notice yourself getting frustrated, it’s a good time to reflect and observe what’s going on inside of you. Strong emotions are a clue as to what you value most—but I’ll warn you that you might not always like what you see.

When you’ve cooled off enough to do some self-reflection, ask yourself this question: What stories or inner dialogues was I telling myself that caused me to be so frustrated?

Here are some stories I was telling myself as I labored in vain:

• You’re not even competent enough to fix a sliding door.
• You’ll probably have to spend hundreds of dollars to hire someone to fix this.
• You’ve wasted two hours of time that you’ll never get back.

This little exercise has made it clear to me that I highly value my sense of personal competence, my money, and my time—so much so that the thought of having less of any of them could leave me boiling in anger.

This isn’t a proud fact for me. I had certainly hoped that by now my efforts to mature in character would have elevated me beyond so heavily valuing such things. But we’re all a work in progress.

The Myth of a Hassle-Free Life

Frustration isn’t necessarily bad, as it’s a sign that you really care about a particular outcome. The trouble is when frustration leads to discouragement, or when you are getting frustrated about things that aren’t truly important.

For me, this bout of frustration was a wake-up call that I have become too protective of my time and money and my identity as someone who never struggles—but to what purpose? When we cling tightly to our time and money, does it really improve our daily lives? Does it make us better people? Not that I’ve seen.

And when I allow my ego to become so fragile that every struggle is an embarrassment, what’s the result? I think it causes me to play it safe and stick with only what I’m good at instead of doing hard things that might be important. It also causes me to hide the weak parts of myself from others.

You can see why these aren’t values that I want ruling my life.

Reassessing Priorities

In light of what I learned about my ego and overly strong desires to protect my time and money through this episode of frustration, I decided to write down the values that I’d rather be driven by.

Patience: Being able to deal with obstacles or uncertainty with a calm and stress-free attitude.

Optimism: Being confident that some solution will eventually reveal itself if I keep at it.

Mindfulness of relationships: Not allowing my inner struggles to distract me from loving others.

Lightheartedness: Not taking myself so seriously that every failure is a threat to my identity.

Gratitude: Appreciating what’s good in my life rather than focusing on current problems.

Guided by these values, I know I‘ll be led toward becoming the person I want to be. My frustrations will be fewer, and when they come, they’ll be a useful gauge that my life isn’t in alignment with the things that really matter.

Transforming Frustration Into Reflection

An intentional life is one in which nothing is wasted, not even the moments you’d rather forget. In fact, there’s often far more to learn from failures and struggles than successes.

Let me recap what I'd suggest you do when angry or frustrated because of one of life’s curveballs:

• First, ask yourself what stories or inner dialogues are driving your frustration. Remember: There’s always a “why” behind your anger—something important that’s being threatened.
• Then, ask yourself whether these values are worthy of guiding or motivating your actions.
• Finally, write down the list of attributes and character traits that you’d rather have guide you in those moments of struggle.

Over time, this practice will transform your life. Instead of being a waste, each moment of frustration will lead to a reflection that pushes you further toward the person you hope to become.