Imagination can take us anywhere, but we sometimes choose terrible destinations.
Some of my favorite memories of my now-grown son are watching him “flying” in the backyard, caught up in stories he could neither explain nor escape. He required few props and had endless possibilities. So great was his joy I couldn’t bear to interrupt him for dinner.
As we grow older, our imagination becomes bound by the gravity of reality, including our past. Instead of visiting far-off magical lands, we may tunnel into our regrets.
As a classic overthinker, I am familiar with the mental exhaustion that comes from “wish I had said that instead” ruminations. Occasionally, reality offers me a wake-up call about how unhelpful my thoughts can be.
A few months ago, my dad’s neighbor overreacted when I went to the wrong gate to enter her backyard. She started running toward me and yelling as I approached. I knew she was anxious about her dog escaping, so I had planned to set a bag over the top for my daughter, who was playing in her yard.
Unable to speak above her hollering, I tossed the bag over the fence and quickly returned to my dad’s house, remarking how unhinged the neighbor was. My dad reminded me that kindness is always fashionable and told me her husband was considering a job offer that would uproot their lives in a major way.
Immediately, I recognized she wasn’t reacting to me but to her own inner turmoil. I dropped my knee-jerk outrage.
We don’t always know why someone behaves a certain way. Often, we imagine unpleasant reasons, like the person not liking us or having a shortcoming in their character. There are far better ways to use our imaginations in these scenarios, and doing so might even preempt petty disagreements and drama.
For instance, I could have made up my own reasons why my dad’s neighbor was irritable, such as the death of a loved one, a financial crisis, or a struggling child.
Such a strategy is particularly helpful, for example, when a friend rejects an invite to a social function or a family member doesn’t seem to appreciate the olive branch you’ve extended. Delony said imagining some generous explanations in advance may lower the risk of feeling hurt.
“Intentionally choose to make up a positive story about something rather than a negative one. You get to pick the story you make up,” he said. “One story will give you empathy and peace, and one gives you cardiac problems.”
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