How I Deal With Trade-Offs in Life

One good thing or the other good thing—how to make the most of the choices in life.

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All of life is one big tradeoff—or that’s the way it feels sometimes. When we choose to focus our energy and resources on one thing, it’s usually at the expense of another good thing.

Some trade-offs that I’ve been wrestling with recently are the following:

• Ambition versus contentment—The bigger my goals, the more excitement I feel about the future but the harder it is to enjoy the present moment.
• Productivity versus curiosity—I can have laser focus to get the job done or allow myself to explore, play, and imagine new possibilities.
• Saving versus spending—I can enjoy some things now or save my money and have more options down the road.
• Strict versus lenient—As a parent, I can be consistent and strong in my discipline or more relaxed and focused on giving freedom and grace.
• Planned versus spontaneous—I can plan my days, weeks, and years or embrace serendipity and learn to enjoy the journey as it unfolds.
• Relationships versus tasks—I can spend a little more time with people or a little more time getting things done.
• Variety versus focus—I can say yes to exciting new opportunities that could change everything or just focus on what’s already on my plate.
• Time versus money—I can spend money to save time or spend time to make more money.

The Downside of Too Many Choices

It seems like the internet has magnified these questions. By many measures, we have more choices to make than ever before, or at least more knowledge of the different choices we might make. And with more choices come more decisions and more tradeoffs.

In his book “The Paradox of Choice,” Barry Schwartz warned that too many choices might have drawbacks. At some margin, having more choices becomes overwhelming and can lead to less satisfaction with our selection—we’re left wondering whether we would have been happier by choosing another path.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a vague uneasiness about some of the tradeoffs in my life. It’s not that I have any particular conviction that I’ve made the wrong choices, it’s just the mental clutter of continuing to wonder what I really want—and whether my choices are mapping up with my values.

The Importance of Self-Knowledge

When this happens, what usually helps me is taking my cluttered, unfocused thinking and applying a simple framework to the decisions I’m making. The first thing I like to do is put things in perspective and assess the situation from a cool-headed point of view.

Regarding tradeoffs in life, I see two realities that are important to keep in mind:

1. It Doesn’t Have to Be All or Nothing

All-or-nothing thinking is a common but less mature response to uncomfortable trade-offs. Even with a clear set of personal values, there are going to be times you have to deemphasize something good in your life. But choosing to focus in one direction doesn’t mean that you have to be completely on or completely off those other good things—a little drawing back can go a long way.

For example, in this season of life, I’m working on quite a number of projects and trying to be a good husband and father. That means I’m doing less reading and greatly simplifying my exercise routine.

However, even with less reading time, I can still squeeze in a book here and there. Also, my long-term health is too important to neglect, so I’m still doing a long daily walk but very little in the way of strength training.

2. It’s Hard to Know What You’ll Want in the Future

Sometimes the idea of something is better than the reality. That truth isn’t hard to believe, but it is hard to feel because, at the moment, the only thing we feel is the desire for what we don’t have.

It’s also true that our preferences change a good bit over the long term and even in the short term. If I look back over my life, I can see all sorts of “phases” that I went through, where something new came along that promised to be very important to me but soon faded from my life.

I’ve seen this enough times to be a bit wary of the “next big thing” in my life or at least cautionary of throwing my old goals out the window too quickly. This self-knowledge raises the values of goals and values that have stood the test of time, as they are likely to be important to me in the years ahead.

Practical Advice for Making Decisions

After reminding myself of what’s true and clearing away some of the clutter from my thinking, the next thing I do is think about the advice I would offer a friend in the same situation.

Asking “What would I tell a friend?” puts you in a clearer frame of mind than asking “What should I do?” You’re more likely to offer simple, actionable advice and, honestly, kinder advice too. We tend to want to “punish” ourselves with extreme advice but would be much more reasonable toward a friend.

Regarding weighing various trade-offs in life, here is the advice I would offer a close friend:

1. Just Make the Choice

If the choice has you tied up in knots, it’s probably because it’s too close to call. Ask a friend or two for an opinion, and then make a decision. It’s hard to know what we’ll want in the future, so the quicker you decide, the sooner you’ll have real-life feedback on what is working.

2. Write It Down

Nothing forces clarity like having to write it down. There are so many times I’ve thought I had a good idea, only to start writing and realize I had no idea what I was talking about. If you’re weighing options, try writing down your decision to be clear on what you think you’re gaining and what you think you’re giving up. This type of documentation helps with my last tip.

3. Decide Swiftly Then Stick With Your Choice

As a rule, I think most people are too slow to change the status quo in their lives but then too quick to give up on a new idea. Knowing that, I recommend leaning in the opposite direction—if you’re not happy, make a change quickly, but decide in advance how long you will try it out before going back.

4. Reflect With Someone You Care About

If you want to grow from experiments and changes in your life, it’s important to close the feedback loop and reflect on what’s gotten better or worse. You won’t know until you try, but you won’t learn unless you reflect. Because we’re prone to blindspots, it’s helpful to do this reflection with a spouse or close friend who really knows you.

I hope that helps. This finite world will always be full of trade-offs, but with a little clarity in our thinking, we can make small steps toward a better life.